My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
