I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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