I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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