When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
