Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
