can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
