Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
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He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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