dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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