Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She needs sedatives and a leash
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
