I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Pooping to opera.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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