i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
