Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
