You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
