fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
