There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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