New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
