its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I did not marry a roomba.
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