I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
