I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
