Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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