i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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