My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Randomize
