Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
