Moan for me like Helen Keller
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
