I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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