I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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