The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
