Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
