maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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