i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You are the jesus of drinking
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
