I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just cut my nipple shaving
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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