I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
