My sheets look like a crime scene.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
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The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
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you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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