Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
