Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
