this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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