I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What a dumb baby whore.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
