I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
