I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
