I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
