I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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