Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
this boner is exhausting
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
