just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I didn't notice because vodka
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
