my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
