it wasn't lemon gatorade
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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