I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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