Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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