cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize