Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
