I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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