he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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