dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
