I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
