non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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