...so i touched it.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
