Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
