ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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