you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
